Reflective Listening 

Reflective listening is another core coaching skill that health and wellness coaches use, generally in every session. In a nutshell, it is paying attention to what the client says without having an agenda and reflecting on a portion of what they say to help them move closer to their health goal. Let’s dive deeper into this fundamental skill. 

 

Reflective listening is crucial for many reasons. Firstly, it builds trust and rapport between the coach and the client. When clients feel genuinely heard, they are more likely to open up and share their thoughts and feelings, which is essential for effective coaching. Secondly, it ensures that the coach accurately understands what the client shares while helping the client feel heard and validated. Lastly, reflective listening helps clarify and deepen the client’s understanding of their own thoughts and emotions. By hearing their words reflected back, clients can gain new insights and perspectives on their issues.  

 

There are two components to reflective listening. The first part is listening. While many of us are familiar with active listening, reflective listening goes a step further. It encourages the coach to listen so intently until the coach’s own internal voice does not exist (2). When a coach’s internal voice is silenced, it helps the coach to remove their own biases and truly focus on what the client is saying, feeling, and expressing at that moment. It is a powerful way to listen.  

 

The second component of reflective listening is reflecting back to the client what the coach heard in the form of a statement. Essentially, it is holding up a mirror (reflection) of what the client said in a way that will propel them to move one step closer to their goal. Both Miller and Rollnick (2013) and Moore et al. (2016) encourage coaches to say more reflective statements than asking questions in a ratio of two reflections to every question asked. When more questions are asked, it starts to feel like an interrogation, which damages trust and rapport (1,2).  

 

When making reflections, start the sentence with the word, “you,” such as you “You feel frustrated.” Many of us have been taught to start the sentence with “I think you…” or “It sounds like you…” But this is not needed. It takes practice to drop the words before “you.”  

 

Types of Reflections 

Reflections are broken into two categories: simple reflections and complex reflections. Simple reflections are parroting what the client said with minor to no changes to their words or meaning (1,2). Complex reflections paraphrase what they said, adding some meaning or emphasis to what they said, or guessing what they might mean (1).  

 

There are eight types of complex reflections, which are listed in alphabetical order below. 

 

Amplified Reflections are reflections where intensity or exaggeration is added to the statement to evoke the client to share reasons why they want to move towards their health goal (1,2). Here’s an example: “You’re only here today because your doctor made you come.” It exaggerates that there is only one reason why the client came for coaching, which may not be the case, and then encourages the client to express other reasons, if applicable. 

 

Continuing the Paragraph are reflections where it helps to move the conversation forward (1). Think of it like a sentence without any punctuation at the end. When the client finishes talking, the coach picks up where they left off to continue that same thought process as if the sentence did not conclude. Here’s an example:   

Client: “I am so tired…” 

Coach: “…that you’re ready to crawl into bed right now.” 

 

Double-Sided Reflections integrate sustain talk with change talk by using conjunctions (i.e. but, yet, or, and, on the other hand) in the same sentence. It states the sustain talk (why they don’t want to make a change) first followed by the change talk (why they do want to make a change) to help move clients forward to making a change. When the change talk is said first followed by the sustain talk, clients tend to focus on the sustain talk, keeping them stuck. Psychology shows people focus on the last thing said, which is why change talk goes last. While any conjunction can be used, “and” is considered a better word as it gives equal credence to both the sustain talk and the change talk. The word “but” diminishes or removes what was said before that word, which is why an experienced coach seldom uses it (1,2). An example of double-sided reflection would be: “You’re not sure if you want to go to the gym (sustain talk) yet (conjunction) you feel better after you do it (change talk).” 

 

Empathy reflects emotions that the client did not verbalize yet expressed in their tone of voice or facial expressions. Example: “You feel tired.” 

 

A Feeling Reflection conveys how the client is feeling based on what they said. When the client says, “I feel exhausted,” the coach can reflect with “You’re drained.” 

 

A Meaning Reflection expresses the meaning behind the client’s words and takes an educated guess as to what they could mean based on the context of the conversation. For example, a client says, “I can’t do this anymore” in reference to their job. The coach could reflect by saying, “You’re ready to quit your job.” The coach is taking a guess of what the client could have meant by their statement. It doesn’t have to be correct as reflections are a way to keep the flow of conversation going.  

 

Using metaphors can be a useful way to reflect what the client might be thinking or saying. The reflection could start with, “It’s kind of like you’re…” or “It’s as though…” or simply stating the metaphor, such as, “You have a heart of gold.” 

 

Shifted Focus Reflections makes a statement that redirects the conversation away from the resistance-provoking topic to a different topic (2). For example, if the client does not see a problem with their substance use, the coach can shift the focus of the conversation to what they do want to work on. “You’re not ready to quit smoking and want to focus on a different area of your health.” 

 

Reflective Listening in the Bible 

Jesus used reflective listening skills. One example that comes to mind is the Samaritan woman at the well (3). Being a Samaritan, she had limited to no interactions with Jewish people. Yet Jesus created a safe space for her to talk to Him, a Jewish man, by acknowledging her and speaking first. During the entire encounter, He intently listened to her and made reflective statements; He did not ask her one question. His reflective statements encouraged her to speak openly and comfortably with Him. Where else in the Bible can you find examples of reflective listening?  

 

Practice Reflective Listening 

There was a great exercise we did in my health coaching class at Southern Adventist University. In one of our assignments, we practiced saying mostly reflective statements with little to no questions during our coaching sessions. I discovered that clients tended to speak more openly when I practiced this way, and they talked themselves into making the changes they wanted without much input from me. I encourage you to practice doing this with family and friends and see how your conversations change.   

 

In conclusion, reflective listening is a vital skill for health coaches. It not only helps build a strong, trusting relationship with clients but also supports clients in gaining deeper insights into their own experiences. By mastering reflective listening, health coaches can significantly enhance the effectiveness of their coaching sessions and help clients achieve their health and wellness goals.