Article

Testimonial

I am a woman, and I have been a church-attending Seventh-day Adventist since childhood. I introduce myself this way so you will be aware that pornography is not just a man’s issue, or a sin that does not touch those within our church.

Reading pornography was a gradual process for me, from accidental exposure within an un-tagged story to actively seeking it out. In high school, I started out reading fan-fiction online with no sexual content. Over time I stumbled upon stories with sexual content. Reading these took an escalating path from implied sexual content, to soft-core heterosexual content, to soft-core male homosexual content, to hard-core male homosexual content; which before I quit was to the point of hard-core, non-consensual dark and/or twisted and graphic male homosexual content. I probably read hard-core pornographic fan-fiction for a period of five years. During this time I felt guilty about, and knew it was wrong, to be reading these stories. However, I didn’t conclude, until shortly before I quit, that I was reading what could be (and I believe should be) classified as pornography.

I openly admitted to myself shortly before I quit that I was addicted to reading pornographic fan-fiction. I now abstain from reading any fan-fiction to safe guard my mind (Phil 4:8; Col 3:1-5). It would be very easy for me to get back into reading it because I love reading the emotional impact for characters in response to psychologically intense situations they are placed in. I know every instance of sexual content is not tagged in the summaries, so before I knew it I could be back seeking out dark content again (Gal 5:1). I decided it was best for me that I remove the temptation by not reading any fan-fiction at all–abstinence to avoid relapse (Rom 6:12).

Deep down I unconsciously was reading fan-fiction to get the feeling of an emotional bond with another. Because I knew the intimate thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of the characters in the stories, it gave me a false sense of intimacy. Through accountability work in a recovery group-setting I came to see that intimacy (the thing I most feared) is what I desired to have all along. However, with other people it got too messy because I had involvement in their lives, sacrifices, and choices I had to make. I felt unsafe relating on this level with real people, so in reading fan-fiction I was able to get my “emotional fix” from knowing the characters’ thoughts and feelings without me having to give anything of myself back to them. It was “safe” because it was completely one-sided.

This was incredibly unhealthy. It has taken many years, but now I have authentic intimacy with real people and I am healthier and happier for it. (2 Tim 1:7; Ezk 36:26; Eph 2:22-24).

Erin