Unconditional Positive Regard: A Core Principle

What is Unconditional Positive Regard?

Unconditional positive regard is a core health coaching principle that was initially introduced by Stanley Standal in 1954 and later popularized in psychology by Carl Rogers (1). This fundamental health coaching principle fully accepts a person without judgment by having genuine understanding and empathy. It means embracing who they are, including their beliefs, values, morals, and choices, and where they are in their journey. It does not mean one has to like them, agree with them, or endorse their beliefs or behavior. It’s about recognizing who they are and respecting their choices, even if those choices are different from others. Unconditional positive regard believes a person is doing the best they can in their current circumstances. Essentially, a coach accepts them unconditionally and without bias (2-4).

God has unconditional positive regard toward fallen humanity. He accepts us for where we are in our lives without judgment. As the apostle Paul says, there is nothing we can do to separate ourselves from His love (5). God knows we are doing the best that we can given what we currently know and our current circumstances. When we truly believe God accepts us wholeheartedly even with our flaws, we feel accepted and loved by Him, which makes us feel comfortable to be open and honest with Him about our struggles. This then creates an avenue where we are open to listening to His still small voice as He guides us to take one step closer to living the abundant life as John 10:10 talks about (6).

In the same way, when a coach truly believes and practices unconditional positive regard, it creates a safe environment for a client to open up. When this happens, the client vulnerably shares their unfiltered thoughts, feelings, and actions with their coach. This vulnerability is pivotal for the client to work through any issues that might be blocking them from moving forward in their health journey.

Conditional Acceptance

The other side of unconditional positive regard is conditional positive regard, which is only accepting someone if certain conditions or expectations are met. This kind of regard is psychologically damaging, leading to feelings of low self-esteem, low self-worth, and low self-confidence with negative thoughts and feelings about their own abilities. It can shut a person down and put them in survival mode (7).

An example of conditional love that is most often studied is the parent-child relationship, where a parent’s love and acceptance are only given if a child behaves in a certain way. Then the child believes only certain behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are acceptable and may repress or shame themselves in order to be loved and accepted by others. If continued, this type of regard has lasting negative effects that bleed into adulthood, damaging their sense of autonomy, their ability to have sound judgment, and their ability to practice self-control (7).

This is why unconditional positive regard is such an important core principle of health coaching as well as a core Biblical principle. Let’s look at an example.

While on earth, Jesus Christ spent His time with people who were the lowest of lows. He had unconditional positive regard towards each one of them. Think about the woman caught in adultery (8). The Pharisees were clearly judging her; they could not see past her mistakes to her humanity. The One who had the authority to pass judgment on her did not. He showed her unconditional positive regard. Although He did not agree nor endorse her behavior, Jesus accepted her for who she was and where she was in her life. I imagine that His words of “Neither do I condemn you,” was the catapult to start shifting her mindset from “I am worthless” to “I am worthy.” It may have taken a few more interactions with Christ and she may have stumbled along the way to becoming whole, yet with continued interaction with Someone who practiced unconditional positive regard, I believe she got there. That’s how powerful this concept is.

Examples of Unconditional Positive Regard

Now let’s take a moment to look at a few examples of unconditional positive regard and how it may show up in different relationships.

• A coach tells their client that they are worthy and valuable after multiple failed attempts to reach their exercise goal.
• A parent tells their child that they are a good person even when they misbehave or make mistakes.
• Jane accepts Jeff without judgment, even though he has multiple tattoos, which conflicts with her personal values and belief system.
• A husband intently listens to his wife’s concerns, even in the midst of a disagreement, and validates her feelings.
• Pastor Gail sees Mary’s inherent worth, value, and humanity as if she were any other person, even though she’s a sex worker.
• A teacher believes in their students’ potential while they struggle with their schoolwork.

Hopefully, this will give you some ideas of how to apply unconditional positive regard to foster growth, trust, and emotional well-being with others, even when it conflicts with your own personal beliefs and values. Remember it’s not about you. It’s about valuing people as they are, not as you want them to be.

Practicing Unconditional Positive Regard

In order for us to have unconditional positive regard towards ourselves and others (9), we need to be honest with ourselves about our biases. Our nonverbal and verbal communication express what we really think and feel about certain topics. Becoming aware is the first step towards learning more about our biases and ensuring they don’t show up in the coaching space.

Some of you may have had a gut reaction after reading the above examples as your biases emerged. Prayerfully pay attention to it and be in discovery of it. Be honest with yourself as you answer some of the reflective questions below. If none of the examples above bothered you, think of a bias you do have and answer the applicable questions below. Then take it to the Lord in prayer as He helps you to practice having unconditional positive regard towards yourself and others.

• What bothered you about the example?
• What initial images or thoughts came to mind?
• What biases flooded your thoughts?
• How might you feel if you were in their shoes?
• What would help you to better understand their feelings and experiences?
• How can you accept people as they are, without imposing your own values?
• How could you reframe those biases into having unconditional positive regard?